Naruto: the true fiction
by Arazael
Summary: This is the story of naruto as written by a lunatic with too much time on his hands. I bash pretty muchly everyone, overly-exaggerating everything that is the Naruto Universe. Enjoy, and please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

Note: I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters thereof. All the credit is to go to Masashi Kishimoto…especially the Sasuke bashing…yes…the ungodfearingly epic Sasuke bashing….

_This story takes place right before the final rounds of the Chunin exams. 'nuff said._

_--_

Sakura gave an exasperated sigh as Naruto desperately struggled to one-up Sasuke in a battle of wits…or at least make the bastard show any shred of emotion at all. _This has been going on all day! _Sakura thought to herself. _At this rate, Sasuke won't notice me no matter HOW much I piss and moan about how much I want him, which he SOOO thinks is sexy…right?_

"Look, just shut up already." Sasuke groaned, "You're never going to be Hokage, No one believes that you will, and most importantly, you're not emo enough for Kishimoto to give you any kind of real power at all. So just let it die already!"Bringing his face just inches away from Sasuke's, Naruto shouted, "I am SO going to be the next Hokage, baka! You can count on it! Date Ba-yo!!"

"Ummm…yyyyeah…" Sasuke replied, arching one eyebrow "I've been meaning to ask you about that. What the hell does that _mean?_ It's not Japanese. Is it supposed to be a play on words, or do you have Tourette's, or…"

"It means your FACE!!" Naruto boomed triumphantly.

_Damn. _Thought Sasuke, _I_ W_alked RIGH INTO that one!_

"Besides, Date Bayo doesn't HAVE to have a meaning" Naruto continued, pounding his point home, "It's my own trademarked catch-phrase that the writers came up with just to make me sound cool! So THERE!"

"Yeah, but they screwed it up in the English dub, now didn't they?" chuckled Kakashi, once again appearing out of nowhere and smelling suspiciously of Bourbon and KY Jelly, "And you know what that means, don't you?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" Sakura yipped excitedly, "It means that Naruto sounds like a loser to all of the Western world!"

"Excellent, Sakura." Kakashi declared with mock-breathless demure, commending Sakura with a little golf clap, "That was the most expertly executed be-a-complete-and-total-bitch-to-the-guy-who-worships-the-ground-I-walk-on-jutsu I have ever seen. Everyone give a big hand for Sakura!"

-Applause-

"Well, anyhow…" Kakashi continued, "C'mon, Sasuke. We're going on a special training session."

As he turned to leave, however, Kakashi found himself face-to-fa–...well, chest to face, since all the adults in this series seem to dwarf the kids by about two feet, despite the fact that the kids are all supposedly 15...aa--nyhoo...kakashi found himself staring chest-to-face with a very anxious-looking Naruto. Rubbing his eyes at the annoyance that was sure to come, Kakashi took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. "Yes, Naruto...what do you want to ask me?

"Um, Kakashi-sensei? Can I go training with y–..."

"NO." Kakashi and Sasuke broke in together.

"Aw, man! Pleeee–eeeeazzzzzeeee?? I–..."

"NO."

"But–..."

"NO!"

"C'mon, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto whined, "Can't you just for once teach me and Sakura some new jutsu, or take us training with you, or do SOMETHING other than getting down on the floor and licking Sasuke's balls?"

Kakashi blinked, "What was that last part?"

"Take us training with you." Naruto answered.

"Sorry, Naruto." Kakashi smoozed, "Its not like I'm picking favorites here..."

"I'm not saying that he's your favorite, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto replied, shrugging, "I'm just politely suggesting that you, y'know, get off the guy's dick."

_And somewhere, millions of Naruto fans engaged in a BOO-YA fest of epic proportions_

"Wait..." Sakura stammered, "You mean...KAKASHI-SENSEI?! You and...and Sasuke?! Oh, God, Sasuke! This whole time, you've been GAY?!"

"I AM NOT–..." Sasuke started, his eyes as aflame as the whole concept of NaruXSasu fanart. But then, thinking better of it, "Yes. Sakura...yes. I'm gay." _thank God she's such a dumb-ass,_ thought Sasuke with a sigh of relief, _Now maybe she'll leave me alone._

_Its no problem, _Sakura internally monolougued, completely unlike a diluted psychopath, _I'll just have to be TWICE as annoyingly clingy. THAT'LL turn him straight for sure!_

_"So, uh, yeah..." Kakashi stammered, shaking off the weirdness, "well! we're off!" _

_"Are we going to disappear in a flamboyant swirl of wind and leaves?" asked Sasuke, thankful to have had the subject off of his questionable sexuallity._

_"Sorry, Sasuke." Kakashi answered, "apparently the apear-in-a-swirl-of-leaves machine is broken for now."_

_"Awww, man!" Sasuke pouted, "that's my favorite thing to do in the world! Well...next to inconveniencing a colluseum full of ninjas to the point of violent revolt, that is."_

_"Well, then you're in luck!" exclaimed Kakashi, "because the maintenence guy isn't supposed to be by to fix it until well after you're scheduled to fight in the Chunin exams!"_

"Alright!"


	2. Chapter 2

Note: I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters thereof. All the credit is to go to Masashi Kishimoto…especially the Sasuke bashing…yes…the ungodfearingly epic Sasuke bashing….

_This story takes place right before the final rounds of the Chunin exams. 'nuff said._

_--_

Sakura gave an exasperated sigh as Naruto desperately struggled to one-up Sasuke in a battle of wits…or at least make the bastard show any shred of emotion at all. _This has been going on all day! _Sakura thought to herself. _At this rate, Sasuke won't notice me no matter HOW much I piss and moan about how much I want him, which he SOOO thinks is sexy…right?_

"Look, just shut up already." Sasuke groaned, "You're never going to be Hokage, No one believes that you will, and most importantly, you're not emo enough for Kishimoto to give you any kind of real power at all. So just let it die already!"Bringing his face just inches away from Sasuke's, Naruto shouted, "I am SO going to be the next Hokage, baka! You can count on it! Date Ba-yo!!"

"Ummm…yyyyeah…" Sasuke replied, arching one eyebrow "I've been meaning to ask you about that. What the hell does that _mean?_ It's not Japanese. Is it supposed to be a play on words, or do you have Tourette's, or…"

"It means your FACE!!" Naruto boomed triumphantly.

_Damn. _Thought Sasuke, _I_ W_alked RIGH INTO that one!_

"Besides, Date Bayo doesn't HAVE to have a meaning" Naruto continued, pounding his point home, "It's my own trademarked catch-phrase that the writers came up with just to make me sound cool! So THERE!"

"Yeah, but they screwed it up in the English dub, now didn't they?" chuckled Kakashi, once again appearing out of nowhere and smelling suspiciously of Bourbon and KY Jelly, "And you know what that means, don't you?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!" Sakura yipped excitedly, "It means that Naruto sounds like a loser to all of the Western world!"

"Excellent, Sakura." Kakashi declared with mock-breathless demure, commending Sakura with a little golf clap, "That was the most expertly executed be-a-complete-and-total-bitch-to-the-guy-who-worships-the-ground-I-walk-on-jutsu I have ever seen. Everyone give a big hand for Sakura!"

-Applause-

"Well, anyhow…" Kakashi continued, "C'mon, Sasuke. We're going on a special training session."

As he turned to leave, however, Kakashi found himself face-to-fa–...well, chest to face, since all the adults in this series seem to dwarf the kids by about two feet, despite the fact that the kids are all supposedly 15...aa--nyhoo...kakashi found himself staring chest-to-face with a very anxious-looking Naruto. Rubbing his eyes at the annoyance that was sure to come, Kakashi took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly. "Yes, Naruto...what do you want to ask me?

"Um, Kakashi-sensei? Can I go training with y–..."

"NO." Kakashi and Sasuke broke in together.

"Aw, man! Pleeee–eeeeazzzzzeeee?? I–..."

"NO."

"But–..."

"NO!"

"C'mon, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto whined, "Can't you just for once teach me and Sakura some new jutsu, or take us training with you, or do SOMETHING other than getting down on the floor and licking Sasuke's balls?"

Kakashi blinked, "What was that last part?"

"Take us training with you." Naruto answered.

"Sorry, Naruto." Kakashi smoozed, "Its not like I'm picking favorites here..."

"I'm not saying that he's your favorite, Kakashi-sensei." Naruto replied, shrugging, "I'm just politely suggesting that you, y'know, get off the guy's dick."

_And somewhere, millions of Naruto fans engaged in a BOO-YA fest of epic proportions_

"Wait..." Sakura stammered, "You mean...KAKASHI-SENSEI?! You and...and Sasuke?! Oh, God, Sasuke! This whole time, you've been GAY?!"

"I AM NOT–..." Sasuke started, his eyes as aflame as the whole concept of NaruXSasu fanart. But then, thinking better of it, "Yes. Sakura...yes. I'm gay." _thank God she's such a dumb-ass,_ thought Sasuke with a sigh of relief, _Now maybe she'll leave me alone._

_Its no problem, _Sakura internally monolougued, completely unlike a diluted psychopath, _I'll just have to be TWICE as annoyingly clingy. THAT'LL turn him straight for sure!_

_"So, uh, yeah..." Kakashi stammered, shaking off the weirdness, "well! we're off!" _

_"Are we going to disappear in a flamboyant swirl of wind and leaves?" asked Sasuke, thankful to have had the subject off of his questionable sexuallity._

_"Sorry, Sasuke." Kakashi answered, "apparently the apear-in-a-swirl-of-leaves machine is broken for now."_

_"Awww, man!" Sasuke pouted, "that's my favorite thing to do in the world! Well...next to inconveniencing a colluseum full of ninjas to the point of violent revolt, that is."_

_"Well, then you're in luck!" exclaimed Kakashi, "because the maintenence guy isn't supposed to be by to fix it until well after you're scheduled to fight in the Chunin exams!"_

"Alright!"


End file.
